I have thought more about mental health during the past six months than I had ever thought about it previously. Mostly, I worry about the mental health of my four-year-old, who was pulled out of school in March and has since been isolated from his friends, save for some occasional playdates outside. I reflect on my own mental health as well, in the age of radical politics, existential threats, and in the context of a biracial marriage. Some days, it feels like a lot, even though I think I am a naturally buoyant and unflappable person.
I have never had a therapist. I am not against the idea at all, but I am actually so transparent that I feel quite free to talk to just about anyone about my problems; I feel like I can just vent socially without paying someone, most of the time, because I don't generally feel ashamed of my feelings or predicaments. When my son was born, my (generally wonderful, and very supportive) husband and I were both so sleep-deprived, that my marriage experienced a rough patch for a short stint. I (forcefully, vehemently) suggested to my husband that we should seek marriage counseling before attempting to have another kid, in order to prevent similar hiccups the second time around. My husband is a non-believer in seeking help generally; he does not even like watching YouTube tutorials or posting questions in social media groups. He prefers to just try things out on his own, then revise his strategy privately if necessary, with new ideas generated from his own head. I had to really argue that marriage counseling is not a negative thing, but should be seen as an investment in our relationship prior to making another big change. He agreed to doing it, in spite of his skepticism, but I never got my act together to find us a therapist who was taking new clients and was reasonably affordable, so that idea never actually got anywhere before, well, our second kid arrived and things actually seemed to be okay. Earlier this year, I had a crisis moment when I again considered seeking therapy. On social media, my husband's blended family was giving me a lot of grief/toxic interactions for my liberal political views, and he felt that I was fanning the arguments that clearly would lead to nowhere. I came to the realization that 1. I don't experience the BLM movement the same way that my white, male husband does. 2. American discourse has changed a lot since we started dating, that is causing external stress upon our marriage, by putting our racial identities under the magnifying glass. I truly don't understand how some people say that their marriages just sail through the years without any work. That's not me. I think my husband and I are blessed to have a pretty strong marriage, but we definitely work on it, and there have been some rocky moments over the years. At one point this year, I considered finding a POC therapist who might specialize in treating me for being in a biracial marriage, and my husband supported me in doing so, even though he admitted that therapy is not really his thing. In the end, my husband and I reached a common ground without therapy (again, because I never had the energy to find one). Upon his suggestion, I removed his blended family members from my social media account (and eventually, I would de-activate said social media account as well), and he and I committed to making monthly donations towards social justice causes. My husband also took a series of concrete steps at work to leverage his white male privilege, that resulted in expanding inclusive hiring practices, his company making a commitment to match donations to BLM, and encouraging folks to feel safe to discuss social justice on their work chat channels. Although I never set up therapy, I do feel like I was able to navigate the situation to some type of a solution, to preserve my mental health. On a smaller scale, the things that I have done to care for myself include: semi-regular exercise (a little tougher at the moment because I am asthmatic and the air has been on-and-off smoky here); a lot of outdoors time with family and some friends this summer; cutting out certain toxic social media addictions; re-connecting with old friends over video chat, email, and text; starting to blog again for regular self-reflection and just a "pause"; and looking ahead and thinking about the fall and winter holidays. I also am experimenting with the idea of drinking less at home, because I feel like I have been slowly increasing my alcohol intake during COVID shelter-at-home, and my physical health is impacted (I feel sluggish, and the alcohol consumption feels habitual, rather than enjoyable). I still need to work on getting to sleep earlier, but that's on my list, too. I also have been cautious to not take on too much. I really wanted to volunteer to tutor math this year, to help out some families in need, but I was clear in setting boundaries of when I would be available (only during my children's naps, and after carving out days to exercise). I am keeping self-care in the foreground, as we move into the winter / new year. What does your mental health routine look like in 2020, and what would you revise about it going forward?
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About MeBorn in Asia, I have spent more than a third of my life living outside of the U.S. thus far. I currently reside in the Pacific Northwest with my techie husband and two biracial children. Categories
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July 2021
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