A Facebook memory popped up recently that reminded me of a quote from a parenting book that I read a while ago. This quote seems more relevant now than ever. The source of this quote is How Toddlers Thrive:
"Remember, it's not your job to make your child happy. ... The truth is this: No parent can make his or her child happy all the time. Children know how to be happy. What they are not so good at is handling the hard times. This is where you, the parent, come in. Want happiness? Our job is to set them up to handle life more and more on their own, and to gradually let go. At the center of this is helping them deal with life's hurdles. ...By supporting them to handle negatives in life--negative feelings, disappointments, rejections, errors, and setbacks. That is the biggest gift you can give your child...From there emerges happiness. ...The catch is that a child can only have this competence if we let them face the tough times...and help them through." I wanted to reflect a little bit about this, because recently I have noticed that my son is just on an emotional rollercoaster. Around his birthday, he really wanted a birthday party. My husband and I didn't think it was going to turn out well, since he had been in and out of school all year (due to the pandemic) and has not had steady in-school friendships as a result. But I can't protect him from social disappointment forever, right? He really wanted a birthday party because we had done a just-us-at-home celebration for him in 2020, and he was willing to take the risk that maybe only a few kids would come to his party. We ended up hosting an outdoors party at a neighborhood playground, and it went fine, even though I was nail-biting for two weeks after sending out the invites, because we were only receiving No's in return. It was not a birthday rager, but my son was happy to have a few of his classmates and a few family friends come to celebrate with him. He even wrote out party invitations to his stuffed animals and told me that "the stuffies RSVP'ed and said they would definitely be there!" And, in the end, he told me that he had a great day because his friends came and made him feel very special. Then, my son had a real heartbreak when his beloved grandparents left to return home after a month of staying with us this summer. I don't know when the next time will be that we could see them, because we don't feel comfortable flying until the kids are both vaccinated. But, I held him multiple days and let him cry in my arms, until he started to feel better. We read a book about a grandma (The Most Beautiful Thing by Kao Kalia Yang), and talked about how even when grandparents are not physically next to us, the memories that we made with them stay with us and become a part of us. I talked to him about how, even though my mom has passed, she is still with me because I have so many wonderful memories of her, and that while his grandparents are far away, we can look at photos and be reminded of those special times he spent with them. I helped him print out some photos, let him take charge of updating our family album, and I hung up in his room a photo of him holding hands with his grandparents, so that he can look at it often and be reminded daily of how much they love him. The day that we switched my son to a new gymnastics class (shortly after he turned 5, he aged out of his previous gymnastics class), I was nervous about that transition. When we took him to the new gym location, we learned that because of their lack of windows and COVID precautions, they do not allow parents to hang out and watch the kids. So, it was a drop-off-and-see-ya-later situation. Given that it was a new class, a new coach, and a new location, I did not know how it would go, but my son was totally fine in the end. Currently, my son is undergoing a lot of emotions as his friends are transitioning out of the pre-K class at different points in the summer. It is mixed, I am sure, with anxiety about Kindergarten. I have not talked to any parent who has an incoming Kindergartener, who is not nervous about the transition, but I think about how the Kindergarten teachers are pros at managing this transition, and how much personal confidence my son is going to gain after managing this transition (which will take a little while, I am sure). As people learning to find themselves, our kids need this type of challenge to help them grow beyond what is already comfortable. I have to remind myself that it is good -- and necessary -- for them to be challenged this way. Without smaller challenges, they cannot gain the confidence that they need to tackle bigger challenges. On a related note, I recently read the book Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne, a long-term counselor and Waldorf educator. I love his book and his podcast by the same name, both of which advocate for simplifying our kids' lives (fewer activities, fewer toys, less screen time, less adult news, narrower set of choices, stricter daily rhythm, and fewer books even!) in order to give their brains a chance to self-heal and to grow at an appropriate pace that maximizes their mental health. When our kids feel challenged, his podcast and book offer many practical ways to ease the tension/balance between what is asked of the kids and what they are able to give. I highly recommend it. As a parent, what do you worry about? What part of those worries can you reframe as necessary and beneficial for your child's growth?
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About MeBorn in Asia, I have spent more than a third of my life living outside of the U.S. thus far. I currently reside in the Pacific Northwest with my techie husband and two biracial children. Categories
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